Prefab Snout
In which the World of Mayonnaise sticks its highly
trained and bulbous condiment proboscis into a vast trough of
prefabricated mayonnaise comestibles...

Princes Tuna Fillets in Reduced Calorie Mayonnaise

Taste decency and moral fortitude: The finest tuna fillets from everyone's favourite Dutch food conglomerate. Full marks for attempting to lure the tinned fish eaters of the world away from their meaty chunks in oil, tomato or, heavens above, brine. And friendly to dolphins as well, ahhhhhhhhh! Little buggers, have you seen how dolphins treat a tuna? Teasing it and taunting it with its superior but annoyingly high pitched warblings. I guess the ability to jump through a hoop and dance to a random Sousa tune for a reward of a dead fish goes an awfully long way
To which we reply: They're fillets of fish filled fun!
Usefulness and or pointlessness: Two tins with potentially two jagged edges reduced to one single tin with, presumably, only one jagged edge, which must mean a great deal fewer severed limbs and torn jugular veins in the world. And runny mayonnaise
Labour saved: If one counts the fishing involved in actually catching a tuna, quite a fair bit. If one merely counts buying a jar of mayonnaise, a can of tuna and somehow mixing the two together with say a fork, about five minutes. It all depends whether you're Ernest Hemingway or Delia Smith
Overall: 6 out of 10 - The tin is a highly desirable piece of engineering and when emptied of its fishy contents makes an excellent if somewhat odd smelling cigar case or a shiny toy car for dull and impressionable children

Trevor Brooking

Tesco Mini Savoury Eggs with Egg Mayonnaise

Taste decency and moral fortitude: Very little. The plastic packaging is a little too complex and ostentatious for what is essentially a half dozen mulched eggs masquerading as that fine and decent stalwart of wandering snack addicts and 24 hour garage gluttons everywhere, the noble Scotch egg. Did William Wallace and Little Jimmy Krankie die in vain? We wish. When reduced to 39p though, even the most steadfast of of ascetic hermits could be tempted
To which we reply: Smaller than a Scotch egg and only half as fulfilling!
Usefulness and or pointlessness: You're better off with a Scotch egg or a steak bake, possibly even a chicken and mushroom pie, but these savoury eggs are more than useful with a litre of garlic and chive dip and a nice shiny fork engineered to suit the contours of your mouth
Labour saved: Mulching those eggs to a fine consistency doesn't come easily, so its probably best left to a complicated piece of industrial machinery churning out a million of these little buggers every half hour for the hungry Prunella Scales obsessed consumers of Tesco
Overall: 7 out of 10 - Ideal if somewhat messy with a dip, but a bit too tasteless on their own, although the packaging is ideal for soundproofing a recording studio or medieval style torture chamber

 

Gary Lineker

Somerfield Egg Mayonnaise

Taste decency and moral fortitude: Wanton phallic intrusion into the clean living lives of morally strict housewives everywhere. What mother can possibly explain the inexplicable existence of this malignant cream coloured torpedo full of depravity malice and vice to her doting and unsullied offspring?
To which we reply: Stick it up yer arse and blow!
Usefulness and or pointlessness: Can be used in sandwiches, smeared on the ground as a slippery trap for tax inspectors or used as easily applied make up for arctic or lunar warfare
Labour saved: Say, six minutes of hard boiling and egg and a possibly thirty seconds of hot fork action combining the two essential ingredients and that's a precious seven minutes with with you could pay attention to your dog or vacuum behind the sofa
Overall: 5 out of 10 - Of reasonable usefulness for lazy slobs and over worked and uninspired catering workers, my main problems lies with large amount of discarded egg shells found in this faux sausage of infinite peril. Yes it makes for a crunchy sandwich but it feels like the equivalent of the dead rat in the McChicken sandwich

Alan Hansen

Yarden Aubergine and Mayonnaise

Taste decency and moral fortitude: The ignoble and exceedingly rude and bulbous aubergine is agreeably reduced to a moral pulp and mashed together with the very finest in mayonnaise. Remember always that the aubergine is big scary and a worryingly dark purple shade of black and can cause nightmares in small children and elderly spinsters
To which we reply: Why the giddy twat is an aubergine called an egg plant?
Usefulness and or pointlessness: A pointless combination that tastes like wet cement served with a crocodile feet sauce
Labour saved: Nobody would want to eat aubergine mushed together with mayonnaise, but it is reassuring to know that it is readily available at a local provisioner. I can't imagine that this bizarre combination of ingredients could possibly occur naturally so a lot of labour is saved mixing random elements and ingredients together on the way to stumbling over this product
Overall: 5 out 10 - A fit end for the dangerous grenade like aubergine, the bludgeon of the vegetable kingdom, but an unappetising snack for humans, let alone camels or beavers with gum disease

John Motson

Tesco Tuna and Mayonnaise

Taste decency and moral fortitude: Tunas are dangerous. Whilst most people only ever encounter tuna in tiny tins, already vanquished and hacked and stabbed by brave men with big beards and waterproof clothing into tiny manageable chunks or flakes, we can exclusively reveal that tuna are in fact bloody great big fish the size of a small horse that have murderous intentions to all humanity. And Ernest Hemingway lookalikes in particular
To which we reply: Dolphin friendly, tuna facking frightening
Usefulness and or pointlessness: Makes sandwiches such a breeze for the pressured lunch maker that you may as well just through away all your bread and eat this piscine marine smelling paste straight from the jar with your fingers
Labour saved: Whether renting a sea going boat to actually catching a fast and crafty tuna, or forking together two separate jars, anything up to seven and a half weeks can be saved even allowing for a Wednesday afternoon spent writing vivid memoirs of a fish catching man
Overall: 6 out of 10 - Most appetising, but when will the world of grocery learn that the word paste sounds more like a DIY term for something that plugs up gaps in baths and toilets than something to be eaten by discerning adults

Possibly even Ian Wright

The Delicatessen Egg Mayonnaise Sandwich Filler

Taste decency and moral fortitude: So upright, so correct, the regimental sergeant major of convenience food. That infernal egg filled Zeppelin of Somerfield could be used for anything. An artist's paint, a badger's suppository, a projectile to injure cats or heaven's above even a crunchy mayonnaise related snack, but this little number above actually states in no uncertain terms exactly what its for. Its for filling your sandwiches stupid, and it even has a nicely labelled serving suggestion so don't go squeezing into the space around your bathroom taps. Oh silly people
To which we reply: Can I use it absolutely for nothing else on earth? Can I not just eat it with my fingers straight from the tub? Who will ever know or care save the woman that does my laundry?
Usefulness and or pointlessness: Won't help you make the bread, but fills your sandwiches certainly. Other egg mayonnaises may diversify but we want our filling
Labour saved: Open the cardboard, stare at the picture, ponder the mysteries of pointless serving suggestion, wonder at the description of anything so bland as a sandwich filler, have a lie down in a dark room. I make that an extra two and a half hours on the time to make a sandwich, so no saving at all. Bah
Overall: 6 out of 10 - Less crunch and more filling, I await the egg mayonnaise belly stuffer with some expectation

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