Oooh... What Sauce!
Old Sauce
Page 13

Manufactured by: Meridian Foods, Corwen, Denbighshire LL21 9RJ
Ingredients: Sunflower oil, concentrated juice of Mexican agave cactus, cider vinegar, whole egg (6%), sea salt, lemon juice, mustard, cornstarch, stabiliser: xanthan gum, garlic puree
Taste: Like the nape of a tortoise's neck dipped in a vat of bleached carrots in the glare of an August moon with a clay pipe motif tattoo
Colour: A sun soaked island where an anaemic stoat whistles to the tune of an off white set of bongos played by burly Eskimos in inexplicably white grass skirts
Comments: If not the centre of the world then certainly close by
Overall: 8 out of 10 - More Lewisham than Greenwich

MERIDIAN ORGANIC

Popular around the turn of the new millennium, as all things meridian and horology related became hot property, Meridian organic mayonnaise is of course made nowhere near the Greenwich meridian in London. The tiny industrial estate of Corwen in Denbighshire, nestling in the valleys of Mid Wales many miles from the UK's capital city, is a disreputable place filled with wily rural rogues where any number of hastily constructed meridian lines of dubious origin and validity can be bought in the local taverns, and where an overpolished brass meridian running through the middle of town marks the exact line where, when it is twelve noon Greenwich mean time, it is seven and a half minutes past in Denbighshire.

I should point out at this juncture though to any potential tourists of mayonnaise culture, that the meridian famous throughout the world from being the point where Greenwich is nearest to, should not be confused under any circumstances with the drearily pretentious progressive rock combo Marillion who were fronted by a startling eight foot tall Scotsman with wide staring eyes, a shiny bald head and a mad scary beard known only as 'Fish', due to his rank smell and popularity with fishermen. This confusion is now prevalent because as a millennium stunt, Marillion actually ran all the way around the world on December the 31st 1999, singing hits from their celebrated concept album 'Misplaced Childhood'. Seeing the new millennial dawn in on the South Pacific island of Vanuatu with the hit 'Kayleigh' they travelled at sub light speed to play another twenty four songs in each time zone of the world as the earth spun on its monumentally twirly axis.

Such confusion easily arises when a mayonnaise contains "concentrated juice of Mexican agave cactus", cider vinegar and a whole egg. What an amazing combination is present in that one little cocktail! All it needs to fully replicate the complete going down the pub and getting thoroughly plastered before forgetting whose legs you have on during the walk home as you fall head first into a deep muddy ditch filled with effluence type experience is a pinch of condensed Guinness powder, essence of pool table and pork scratching juice. Cheers mate! I'll drink to that!

Michael Carrick

Manufactured by: Produced in Belgium for Vandemoortele (UK) Ltd., Hounslow, Middlesex TW3 1NH (worryingly close to the secret underground headquarters of The World of Mayonnaise)
www.vandemoortele.be
Ingredients: Water, sunflower oil, glucose syrup, extra virgin olive oil (5%), pasteurised egg yolk, modified waxy maize starch, basil (3%), spirit vinegar, salt, dried garlic, acidity regulator (lactic acid), preservative (potassium sorbate), dried parsley, colour (copper complexes of chlorophylls and chlorophyllins), stabiliser (xanthan gum), flavourings. Waxy chloro whats?!?
Taste: Like a randy alligator munching a whole cooked turkey on the lawns of a palatial Italian villa. Aficionados may also detect subtle hints of marsh gas and rhododendron dancing gleefully around a pillar of pine scented lawn mower clippings whilst a beguiling shepherdess carrying a swollen cucumber looks on
Colour: Robin Hood's fresh grass splattered sun drenched breeches a good deal after the twentieth severe washing on a rock in a stream and about five minutes after Little John has just spilled a jar of minced gherkins over it
Comments: Like a fairy's negligée splattered with hints of sea foam, mustard and seagull guano from a rowdy trip to the seaside
Overall: 7 out of 10 - I believe!

BELOLIVE

Believe in the power of pesto you heathen scum. Believe in the rejuvenating power of pine nuts, crushed basil, garlic, Parmesan cheese and olive oil. Believe you unbelievers, believe in the godly power of Belolive and stare in rapt and silent wonder.

But seriously though, what a jolly good idea pesto is, even if the name sounds like a brand name of industrial cockroach killing powder. Perhaps William S Burroughs might have considered snorting quantities of pesto instead of bugpowder had it been around in 1950's Tangiers. Pesto is a marvellous combination that mixes a whole bunch of odd stuff that seems picked at random from amidst the fluff and detritus of an aged Tuscan peasant's coat pockets, and combined to make something surprisingly edible, albeit with the further addition of a bucket of warm fresh pasta. The initial creative process needed to accidentally arrive at mixing pine nuts, essentially nothing but squirrel fodder, with a cheese harder than some types of rock along with crushed herbs and oil defies logic. I can only assume that it was a happy kitchen accident and that no people or squirrels were hurt in its creation.

Not since the far off glory days of Safeway Garlic, where the twin towers of mayonnaise and garlic were mixed together successfully without somehow actually becoming aioli, have I been so struck by the essential righteousness of ingredients as those present in pesto. However, I have to wonder, as I did briefly with Tesco Tarragon and White Wine, Welsh Farmhouse with Coriander and Lime and Waitrose Wholegrain Mustard if the whole process isn't going a little too far. Maybe now would be the time to say yes, mayonnaise is the most versatile and creatively inclined of all culinary sauces but lets not get too silly here. By all means stuff exotic herbs and spices into it, cram pine nuts and limes into it, but lets not forget the most important thing is the mayo. Still though, its a tasty sauce this pesto and does actually blind cockroaches if not actually kill them outright.

Joe Cole

Manufactured by: Manufactured in Belgium by Campbell Foods Belgium n.v., Rijksweg 16, B-2870 Puurs. Oh ho ho! Another multinational conglomerate at work!
www.campbellsoup.com
Ingredients: Vegetable oil 79%, egg yolk 7.5%, vinegar, mustard, water, sugar, salt, antioxydant (sic): Edta, natural flavouring. What a precise amout of egg yolk, whatever happens to all those unwanted egg whites though? Do Devos Lemmens also make meringues?
Taste: Cream filled oyster shells dancing on a bed of Indian rice with the merest suggestion of a geography teacher's pocket filled with table salt a two pence piece and stick of blue chalk
Colour: A mushroom stuffed snowy owl sitting on a lovingly sculpted mound of tiny albino badgers
Comments: Not in the least bit devious and without a hint of lemming
Overall: 7 out of 10 - René Magritte meets Andy Warhol and comes out with his pride still intact

DEVOS LEMMENS

Now a part of the mighty Campbell Foods empire started by the soup obsessesed Joseph Campbell 1869, the makers of the eponymous condensed soup which so inspired Andy Warhol, Devos Lemmens was founded in 1886 and is the number one mayonnaise brand in Belgium. This is no mean feat when one considers that Belgium is both the largest manufacturer and consumer of the great white sauce in the entire world. Probably. Without access to anything even approaching reliable and accurate statistics I reserve the right to invent data, fabricate the truth or just pluck random and arbitrary information straight out of my arse*.

No meal is compete in downtown Brussels without a ladling or six of the finest mayonnaise produce, and from Ixelles to Tervuren, from Anderlecht to Laeken the Belgians happily ladle large quantities of mayonnaise onto chips, mussels and anything else that comes near their large round dinner plate. And yet it would seem that the finest of these mayonnaises has now been taken over by the damned infernal Yankees with their multinational machinations. The Campbell soup people have bought up Devos Lemmens with all its history and creaminess and taken American culture right into the heart of Brussels' Grand Place. Yaaa boo hiss and so forth.

Like the imposing NATO headquarters squatting ungainly in the middle of the city, or the incongruous and ugly buildings of the supposedly glorious European Parliament before which all us citizens of Euroland are deemed beetle like and unworthy, Brussels has long grown used to this type of cultural invasion and thinks nothing of bulldozing Flemish merchant's houses to erect monolithic glass fronted monsters that would not look out of place in Swindon or Croydon, and here seems to be selling another piece of its precious heritage for a few scraps of silver and international prestige. And so say all of us ill informed mayonnaise fans.

Pending an imminent trip to Brussels on behalf of mayonnaise lovers everywhere, I would like to wish Devos Lemmens the best of luck in their new world of trans global multinational brand development and hope that before long everything will all be owned by Uniliver and we will have achieved a world without war, borders or salad cream, just like John Lennon wished for all those years back.

* Data verified by the Welsh Institute of Lies, Livestock Firearms and Kitchen Sauces Department

Jermain Defoe
Old sauce
Page 13
____________________________


Info Pages

I'm a great lover of my mobile phone so I've put together some information that will be useful to you together with some links to the best sites I've found, here they are;

  • Polyphonic Ringtones
  • Free Polyphonic Ringtones
  • Free Ringtones
  • Free Samsung Ringtones
  • Samsung Ringtones
  • Nokia Ringtones
  • Free Nokia Ringtones
  • Ringtones
  • Download Free Ringtones