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Evernat

Manufactured by: Evernat, distributed in the UK by Brewhurst Health Food Supplies, Byfleet, Surrey KT14 7JP
Feel free to stalk them all at www.brewhurst.com

Ingredients: Sunflower oil, egg yolk, honey, mustard, apple vinegar, sea salt, lactic acid, herbs. All of which, save for the sea salt and lactic acid, are "99% organically grown ingredients". If you are by nature an unlucky person it will most likely be that single 1% of industrial effluence that kills you. And when will lactic acid and sea salt junkies truly be safe from the non organic poisoning of their digestive systems?
Taste:
Salty axle lubricant, cut with a weak rosehip tea, stewed lovingly from the waters of a swift flowing mountain stream (possibly south facing). Lacking true strength whilst possessing enough guile to tease the taste buds towards the aubergine end of the palate
Colour: The pale creamy yellow of a squid's chin, with hints of ripe banana smeared across a slab of marble. Warm muddy organic tones mixed with water, tea and a weak clear varnish, speckled randomly with shard of mahogany
Comments: A solid sounding, deep throated and articulate mayonnaise with all the brashness of a randy American bison
Overall: 8 out of 10 - Ideal for sitting and lazing on a balcony or just standing idly in a pale yellow plastic bucket, it really is that versatile!

EVERNAT

Whiskers on kittens? Warm woollen mittens? Dark foreign sailors tied up with string? Well, here at The World of Mayonnaise one of our favourite things is organic mayonnaise, fresh and nutty and as keen to frolic on the taste buds as nature intended. And yet, when the holy quest was started some time ago on the direct orders of God, who speaks to me often and sometimes quite loudly, to grade every single type of mayonnaise in the entire universe, scepticism on the organic was very much the order of the day.

Maybe it's just the fact that no one really likes a sanctimonious self righteous hippy banging on about 'lifestyle' choices, unless they themselves are an equally sanctimonious self righteous hippy. After all who needs a crystal hugging chakra fiend waving incense at you, when its been medically proven that a gallon of London gin can solve over 80% of all life's little problems?. But increasingly, as I scan the polluted and grime filled streets rife with crime, mobile phones and Machester United fans, I invariably decide that perhaps life is better spent hidden away from sunlight as a grumpy hermetic old recluse, locked away in my secret mayonnaise tasting lounge, fighting vainly against the urge to consume more and more mayonnaise, specifically that of an organic nature.

Organic mayonnaise is truly ambrosial, it tastes how food should always taste; of ingredients not additives. Wow that was serious for a moment. And yet there is always the lingering doubt that I may be inadvertently doing some good for the world, when all I really want to do is cause misery to my many enemies and subjugate millions with my grandiose plans for world domination via the means of a culinary condiment. Do I secretly want to do good for the world as I chuckle maniacally in front of the evening news whilst eating mayonnaise filled sandwiches? Probably not I guess. But hey it's only a sauce and I'm but one tiny wiggly tadpole in the great lily pond of life. Or something.

Brewhurst, the UK distributors of Evernat are "UK's largest distributor of natural health products", which is something they like to shout and feel smug about. Whilst I am inclined to punch them one by one for this irritating effrontery, Evernat is a highly commendable sauce with excellent prospects for sandwiches and spreads. Oh well, back to the brooding and plotting I suppose.

Peter Purves

Manufactured by: 'Produced in Belgium' - yes they're back, everyone's favourite Flems! - for Asda Stores Limited, Leeds LS11 5AD
Visit the dark and swarthy northerners at
www.asda.co.uk
Ingredients: Water, vegetable oil, glucose syrup, modified maize starch, pasteurised egg, vinegar, salt, acidity regulators (lactic acid, sodium lactate), preservative (potassium sorbate), stabiliser (xanthan gum), flavouring, lemon juice. One of the reasons that we have less here is the addition of water as the major constituent ingredient, which ios of course less tasty and
Taste:
Sharp, intoxicating white cider assaulting both the normal five senses and a great many more. The more psychic gourmet may find their sixth sense is attacked by this sauce many hours before meal time. Hints of ancient burial mound, aircraft wings, steel girders and shrink wrapped snow leopard leave a lingering sense of mortality
Colour: Like a tricolore washed in bleach, left in the sun and then painted white before being dyed white then bleached again for good measure. Redefines whiteness to a molecular level
Comments: Less fat, more haste. Less is not more, it is demonstrably empirically less, as has always been the case
Overall: 6 out of 10 - Lifestyle choice is about wanting more fat, I can eat cardboard (and frequently do) if I don't want fat, and anyway 50% less fat than what?

ASDA LESS FAT

This mayonnaise, as you will keenly observe from the label is the proud unabashed possessor of less fat. Less fat than what though? A beefburger? A whale? An American tourist? Belgium? For 49p (that's about 1.49828 Bulgarian Levs) one can purchase, in broad daylight without a consenting adult being present, something which is actually less. Less than something else, something currently undefined, even by the makers of the product, but something which is certainly actually more than this current thing which is of course as stated above, less. Which of course is less.

Such a concept is puzzling, without a finer understanding of the true metaphysical. Can something physical, three dimensional and discernibly concrete, be, as defined by Asda, less, without a suitable qualifier placed upon it? The concept is perhaps best explained by the means of a short and simple experiment. Proceed by taking an ordinary wooden or plastic chair from one corner of your room, or other suitable mayonnaise tasting area, and then simply place it in another part of that self same room. That space where the chair once stood is now possessed of considerably less chair like qualities than before, almost negligible depending on the initial numbers of chairs, having fewer chairs and noticeably less opportunities for sitting as it did before. Whereas, the space where the chair now proudly stands is positively brimming with chairness, overflowing if you will with the abundance of chair like objects. More chairs. Less chair like qualities. Fewer chairs. The concept is now relatively simple

Transferring that brief yet important introductory lesson in the complex arts of supposition, from hypothetical chairs, available at any reputable hypothetical furniture store, to the cosy white reality of mayonnaise jars is fairly easy. Firstly enter a supermarket, for the purpose of this experiment almost any chain store will do, but I always prefer one of the more open minded ones with a relaxed security policy. Then sidle up to the shelf and take a jar with more in it, then a jar with less, and then after swapping them around, proudly declare that less is now more and walk triumphantly out of the establishment safe in the knowledge that your earlier experiments in spatial awareness in relation to the fundamental rudiments of furniture shifting has given you a valuable spatial insight into the lessness of mayonnaise and its role in greater society.

In summation, we'd like some more please. But did Dickens die in vain, or did he die somewhere in Gads Hill? Let us then let the master have the last word: "Please, sir, I want some more. Although if you've got something that's less, that would be fine as well." - Oliver Twist (1838) Ch. 2.

John Noakes

Manufactured by: CCL Foods plc., Earls Colne Business Park, Essex CO6 2NS
Ingredients: Sunflower oil, fresh pasteurised egg yolk, cyder vinegar, sugar, salt, mustard flour, lemon juice concentrate. A word warning here though, amidst all the healthy bucolic posturing. Beware anyone who uses the word 'cyder' after the year 1500, for they probably buy horse brasses and painted pebbles in Ye Olde Village Shoppe, believe in the healing properties of commemorative souvenir plates and tend to eat hearty Tavern Fayre washed down with foaming mugs of ale in reconditioned road side coaching inns with open fires where a juke box normally sits
Taste:
Cheese and grape juice entertained with swift warm syrupy notes, all with an underlying tingle of orchids, domestic rabbit, polythene and asparagus
Colour: Warm puppy coloured hues, swirled around a pot of apricot jam inside an old man's string vest
Comments: Simple simple
Overall: 8 out of 10 - Like an orchestra of ants playing cricket in a bowl of warm sunflower seeds, this sauce perplexes and dazzles, combining rich yolk laden flavours with a truly wholesome tang

SIMPLY DELICIOUS ORGANIC

Open apparent honesty in the naming of consumer products, now that's surely a benefit for the greater good of humanity. How many products are there in the world which should, if such ingenuousness and candour commonly prevailed, be called 'Simply Dung Like' or 'Simply Insipid'? And what of Somerfield? 'Simply the Worst Chain of Sumpermarkets on Earth'? But no, 'Simply Delicious' Organic Mayonnaise is, put quite simply, simply delicious. And quite rightly so.

The down side to all this frankness I feel is that this commendably honest name was probably the result of some lengthy and exhaustive marketing campaign, organized with military precision, planned and orchestrated to minute, intricate perfection. In any commercial operation these days, a spontaneous marketing decision is only made after many many months spent deliberating upon the decision of some fatuous steering committee, who it must be said tend to steer haphazardly and erratically like some drunken European aristocrat around the streets of Monte Carlo. This is then usually followed in turn by rounds and rounds of aimless and structureless meetings with superfluous and irritating members of staff with grating personal habits and precious little social skills, hastily arranged focus groups with the mentally challenged (a.k.a. the consumer), intricate cost benefit analysis, proposals, counter proposals, mock ups, beta testing, opinion gauging and deconstructional criticism of an academic standard not seen since the likes of Derrida stalked the earth.

And what names were rejected in deciding finally to call the sauce in question 'Simply Delicious'. 'Quite nice really', 'Really Quite tasty', 'Simply stuff in a jar. The mind boggles. I just hope on behalf of all those people out there who have never experienced the sight of a marketing departmnet in full flow, that that particular horror never manifests itself. At least not withou a spare finance committee handy to bash them repeatedly over the head with.

Lesley Judd
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