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MARTIN PITT

Manufactured by: Martin Pitt Free Range Eggs Ltd., Gwehelog, Monmouthshire NP15 1RJ
Ingredients: Sunflower oil, pasteurized whole free range eggs, honey, cider vinegar, lemon juice, sea salt, herbs and spices
Taste:
Warm spicy goose liver smeared across a lemon scented mattress in the back room of a pub. Cashew nuts, digestive biscuits, Ford Cortina headrests and cheese
Colour: Absurdly white for an organic mayonnaise. The pallid white of a polar bear's bum whilst he sits smugly smirking in a tub of vanilla ice
Comments: An humane egg based condiment that combines the aroma of paint stripper and custard with the agreeable consistency of natural Greek yoghurt
Overall: 7 out of 10 - with a blind white organic stare into the turgid soul of a chicken

MARTIN PITT

Martin Pitt is an altruistic chicken lover (not in the Richard Gere sense of the word) who has done much in Britain to strive towards attaining a better standard of organic produce for the beleaguered shopper and also for achieving a better standard of life for farm animals. Which I suppose is only fair. After all, if some hairy mud stained beast is going through all the trials and tribulations of existence solely to provide one with eggs, leather, a nice roast or a good pork chop, then a decent life in a pleasantly warm shed is the very least that the pitiable animal should expect. Such a policy is called 'ethical' farming and the tenets of faith of this philosophy I have outlined as below:

  • Animals lead universally dull lives, during which they must eat appalling food, lick their private parts in order to cleanse them and live in damp, stinking and draughty accommodation. Killing them is a merciful and generous act
  • Animals would gladly kill us all given less than half a chance. Look into the eyes of a cow and know the starkest definition of fear. Butchering a cow or any other of God's creatures is a simple act of self preservation
  • Animals taste nice for a reason. They want to be eaten. If any animal were to taste of egg free mayonnaise or charcoal it would be left very much alone, free to lead a peaceful and carefree existence of grass munching and genital licking (see above), until scientists discovered some other valid reason to murder it
  • It is alright to use animals for their valuable by products, so long as they are treated humanely and given freedom to roam. Free range chickens may be legitimately used for their eggs, free range elephants for their decorative ivory and amusingly shaped legs and rhinoceroses for their proven aphrodisiac qualities
  • Hey, some of my best friends are vegetarians. I just wonder if they could be better friends if they ate the flesh of dead animals
Peter Purves

ASDA FARM STORES

Manufactured by: A swarthy Belgian chef for Asda Stores Ltd., Southbank, Great Wilson Street, Leeds LS11 5AD
www.asda.co.uk
Ingredients: Soya oil, vinegar, pasteurised egg yolk, sugar, modified maize starch*, salt, mustard, maize starch*, preservative (potassium sorbate), stabiliser (guar gum, xanthan gum), citric acid, colour (beta-carotene)
*Produced from genetically modified material. Hurrah for 'material', more please!

Taste:
Coarse haired spider's legs basted liberally in rancid goat's phlegm, flaky white pastry, bath salts and mud. There also persists that recognizable taste of belligerent walrus's blubber in this startling and entangling concoction
Colour: Not entirely like the Taj Mahal bathed in the glow of a sullen autumnal moon. Either that or a crisp Morris dancer's hankie raised in surprise as a silent steam roller approaches
Comments: An aroma of tiny pickled chickens does much to lead the consumer's thoughts along the twisty lateral paths of taste present in this persistently stymieing sauce
Overall: 4 out of 10 - made cheaply to taste cheap

ASDA FARM STORES

Asda has now been consumed by a world-wide megalithic giant, a pathetic victim of the global Wal-Mart strategy to dominate the world with a combination of environmental awareness, bake sales, kidnap, crocodile smuggling and other ruthless business practices. Before Asda is subsumed utterly into this faceless corporation, it may be worthwhile for our overseas visitors to spend a little time reflecting upon the principles that made Asda great (in a truly mediocre sense of the word).

Grumpy north of England miserliness. Pure and simple, that's really all there is to it. To this day Asda adverts are still populated with gruff northern types wandering vacantly around brightly lit stores with their charming regional accents barking out loudly, and feeling so utterly chuffed with themselves that they have just saved four pence of the price of a frozen quiche lorraine and another tuppence on a family sized pack of floral patterned toilet roll. Bastards. The north of England, for those who are not familiar with the the region, is a place of massive depravation and hardship where dark satanic mills turn out cloth caps and shawls that the impoverished gaunt inimical faced residents can ill afford to buy. Life is cheap, even if bread isn't. Sports include ferret racing, the placing of whippets down trousers, pigeon fancying and the ritual abuse of Southerners. Little wonder that such a land gave rise to 'grocery' shops, the cult of the mop, trades union and Bernard Manning.

Oh yes, and for the record, I'd like to state that if this mayonnaise or any of the ingredients contained within it have been anywhere near a farm or any institution that closely resembles a farm, then I will unreservedly and publicly apologize for any slander committed by myself against either the north of England or the Wal-Mart corporation. Thank you.*

*NB: (This offer does not apply to those northerners who do not own an inside toilet, are unable to read, use a computer or speak coherently without recourse to ancient incomprehensible dialect OR to any American found wearing a baseball cap who does not actually play professional baseball).

John Noakes
WAITROSE WHOLEGRAIN MUSTARD

Manufactured by: Produced in Belgium for Waitrose Limited, Bracknell, Berkshire
www.waitrose.com
Ingredients: Vegetable oil (77%), whole grain mustard (7%), pasteurised egg yolk (6%), water, white wine vinegar, glucose syrup, salt, flavouring, colours caramel and lutein, concentrated lemon juice. Percentages to run through the old Excel spreadsheet at the earliest convenience
Taste:
Spicy organic leeks and sausage hold hands with a drunken farmer inside a barn that's filled with slightly dusty straw. Obvious though understated mustard gives the mayonnaise a rather charming schoolgirl like kick
Colour: Pale wispy yellow, like an old man's vest or Jimmy Saville's pants, gently congealing over time to take on the hue of a pox ridden canary
Comments: Mix it, churn it, we still love that mayo thing
Overall: 8 out of 10 - For lovers of the high life, and people with a cupboard full of sausages

WAITROSE WHOLEGRAIN MUSTARD

Take a truly classic and unarguably great combination of our time; mayonnaise and natterjack toad (Bufo calamita). And then take another classic one; wholegrain mustard and natterjack toad. How long was it in all probability before someone introduced those two fabulous combinations together and discovered the thrills, spills and cheap kicks of mayonnaise and wholegrain mustard, without a discernible trace of toad anywhere?

When Wallace Waite, Arthur Rose and David Taylor opened their first small grocery shop at 263 Acton Hill, West London in 1904, little did they know that within a century the company would have become one of the country's leading food retailers employing over 18,500 people. They also failed to foresee most of the 1970's when Waitrose was one of the most unspeakably naff brand names since ABBA pickled herring rose to prominence in Sweden.

And it is again highly likely that the learned gentlemen failed to foresee the gradual rise of Waitrose back to a position of something approaching normality and respectability as the food arm of the John Lewis partnership, a sinister communist organization, which owns several small holiday bungalows in North Korea, and which publicly sponsors the overthrow of the Surinam government followed by the forceful imposition of an idealistic self sustaining socialist state in the north west region of Spitsbergen.

It may also be worth recalling at this point the classic 1970's blaxploitation motion picture Foxy Brown Goes to Waitrose [dir. Jack Hill, 1975], a detective drama film that graphically marked the simultaneous nadir of both Pam Grier's career and the prospects of the shaky British grocery retail business.

Lesley Judd
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