Oooh... What Sauce!
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ASTRA-CALVE

Manufactured by: Astra-Calvé, 23 Rue François Jacob, TSA 20004, 92842 Rueil-Malmaison Cedex, France. A piffling division of the all conquering Unilever
www.unilever.com
Ingredients: Vegetable oil, water, vinegar, egg yolk, Dijon mustard, sugar, salt, thickener: xanthan gum
Taste:
Thick creamy taste of randy mallard's wing, outboard motor, brie and horse's saddle. Comforting suggestions of bathroom soap, clover meadows and cornflour
Colour: The colour of a crisp linen shirt lovingly pressed and starched by an over attentive Norwegian laundry attendant with his mind preying somewhat on the depletion of the North Sea cod quotas
Comments: Needs at least a £47 billion development program before it can justifiably be called a world beater. Per Ordure, ad Astra?
Overall: 6 out of 10 - Big company, precious little point

ASTRA-CALVE

Flying off into the wide blue yonder, and then off into the black bit even further yonder beyond that, the bit that's generally full of stars and weird green aliens and stuff. Yes it's Captain Astra-Calvé! From Alpha Centauri to Wigginton near Tring, almost 70% of all carbon based life forms surveyed recommended it as the mayonnaise of choice. Why, some of them even recommended it as a food stuff! Some ski fanatic guy in the outer spiral arm of the Andromeda galaxy suggested that it may be used as a synthetic substitute for snow. And who are we to argue?

Unilever, the company that bought Bestfoods. Not because they wanted to or needed to. Just because they could. Because they have huge ready piles of cash just lying around attracting moths and curious accountants. Immense mountains of loose change, large hillocks of precious things and great pits absolutely stuffed full to the brim with tax deductible profits. Just because they are staggeringly HUGE and eat galaxies before breakfast like a Guardian reader eats muesli or a tramp eats Tennent's Super sandwiches with extra added meths. Unilever shares are used as a tonic for over stressed stockbrokers who grow weary of speculating and taking rash chances, and who yearn instead to grow rich on the back of sales of sundry assorted foodstuffs. In times of crisis and economic collapse, everyone buys Unilever shares for security and warmth. In an economic freefall everyone's going to want mayonnaise after all.

Such inter galactic tomfoolery is of course a long space ride way from the early days of founding father William Hesketh Lever. Lever quickly amassed an unutterably huge fortune from sales of lard based soap, with which he attempted to build mice powered whaling stations made out of solid chocolate in the desolate Outer Hebrides and even more foolishly, to bring edification and civilization to large areas of Merseyside. Read more about his sterling efforts and take time to marvel at his wonderful architectural follies at www.portsunlight.org.uk.

Groucho

Manufactured by: CWS Ltd., Manchester M60 4ES
www.coop.co.uk
Ingredients: Soya Bean Oil (76%), Water, Reconstituted Egg Yolk (6%), Spirit Vinegar, Sugar, Salt, Modified Starch (Maize), Mustard Extract
Taste:
Well kneaded plain white pastry, analogue alarm clocks, ball bearings and desiccated rabbit's spleen
Colour: Over boiled handkerchief, a 1970's sofa cover and partially moistened pine marten. The smell of acrid vinegary swamp weed is a welcome assault to the senses
Comments: For waterproofing a badger's den or camouflaging a tomato in Greenland, this sauce is ideal. Sadly some people may attempt to eat it
Overall: 6 out of 10 - Co-operation leading to contusions

CO-OP

I seem to recall that Sesame Street was always keen on the sprit of co-operation, insisting that assisting other people in their endeavours would solve all the myriad problems of the world, break down insurmountable barriers between people of various unhealthy hues, and generally make the world such a tremendous place to live. Indeed, the sort of society would prosper where eight foot tall flightless yellow birds could wander freely round dark side alleys at midnight without being mugged, raped and made into processed crispy dippers. Such is the naivety of the young. By now I am fairly sure that if some hapless individual is struggling to complete a simple task in some comical and potentially life threatening way, the correct and mature response is to fall to one's knees in fits of howling helpless laughter, a situation best shared over a jar of mayonnaise with one's family and friends.

Founded over 150 years ago amidst the dark satanic mills so beloved of the North of England, the first Co-operative societies were originally set up to provide flat capped workers with fairly priced goods, with all the resulting profits being distributed equally for the mutual and individual benefit of the members of the co-operative. This high minded, some might say Stalinist ideal, proved successful and the principles remain intact to this day and the society remains committed to giving its customers a fair deal.

The Co-op movement was shaken in the 1970's when trendy management theories such as 'making a profit' and 'not being thoroughly shoddy' became briefly fashionable. As their large chain of stores dwindled and slack jawed Rochdale mill workers were once again forced to buy over priced sacks of third rate grain to feed their large impoverished families, the future looked most bleak. Happily though, the co-operative movement weathered this particular storm and today is once again a prosperous company in an era when, largely thanks to so many Internet companies leading the way, not making a profit and being thoroughly shoddy is once again fashionable.

Chico

Manufactured by: Produced in the UK for Nisa Today's (Holdings) Ltd., P.O. Box 58, DN15 8RG
www.nisa-international.com
Ingredients: Vegetable oil, egg and egg yolk, water, spirit vinegar, salt, sugar, colour: paprika extract
Taste:
Creamy surgical bandage soaked lightly in a mild and fragrant antiseptic, with a lingering sensation of broccoli quiche and honeycomb
Colour: Anaglypta wallpaper, homogenised milk, startled stoat's milk and the forth from a pint of freshly poured bitter. A sauce with the haunting aroma of boxing gloves, beaver sweat, knockwurst, radish and marigold
Comments: "Perfect for salads, sandwiches and jacket potatoes", states the label of the jar. Well, few things in this world are ever perfect but it's better than a poke in the eye with a stuffed egret
Overall: 7 out of 10 - A pert and inoffensive little number, ideal for entertaining elderly relatives or amusing domestic cats

 

NISA

Ooh, that's nice! In fact, Nisa mayonnaise is one of my favourite things!!! Take it away please maestro...

Tophats on wombats and whiskers on women
Plastic iguanas and watching mice swimming
The strain on Mike Reid when he's trying to sing,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Green coloured sunsets and meaningless doodles,
Crab sticks and tow paths and the B road to Bootle
Plump pigs that entertain troops with their wings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Gear sticks in syrup and cheese and molasses,
The pixie that lives in my nose and harasses,
Chartered surveyors that bounce on a spring,
These are a few of my favourite things,

When the cod writes,
When my feet ping,
When I'm being mad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.

(Repeat song)

For a complete Julie Andrews style interactive experience, please click on the above widget whilst dressed as a nun and surrounded by small children. Be aware that this action may be illegal in certain countries.

Harpo
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